Wow! I was a week shy of leaving you all famished of Kj posts for a whole month. Well, fear not. Because here comes another. And it was inspired by my friend Kyle during a rather lengthy drive last night. You see, Facebook is awesome. For SO many reasons. And by awesome I mean a great center of complete stupidity sometimes.
So I've come up with a list of seven things that people should not do on Facebook. Now, if you do any of these things, please do not be offended. Unless that leads you to change your actions. Then please do.
Also, I'm counting down because I want the suspense to be killing you.
#7: Post a Deceiving Profile Picture
And by "deceiving" I mean not you. Now, we wouldn't want people thinking you are any of the following: a Lambourgini, your dog Starla, Han Solo, Legolas, or Sailor Moon. If that's cool with you, sweet! But don't be surprised when that girl/guy you've never met but somehow carries on a 50,000 message-long conversation with you on Facebook doesn't actually talk to you in real life. Chances are he or she is either under the impression that you are truly a Mustang Transformer, so they simply don't recognize the real you... OR that they feel cruelly deceived by your true identity and can't stand to face you in person.
#6- Attempt the Duck Face Mirror Bathroom Pic
And by "attempt" I mean don't think about it. No matter the circumstances, it screams tool. The selfie is one thing, but this is a whole different level. I mean, I know you might have just gotten your hair cut, and you really feel the urge. Resist at all costs. Even if you are wearing a large hoodie with the hood on and sunglasses... which is something we all do when we're at home alone... No. Just no.
#5- Use Any of the Following Words If You Are Unclear Concerning the Meaning
And by "any of the following", I mean any of the following: there, their, they're, your, you're, to, too, two, definitely. I don't know why some people didn't get the first grade education that I did, but if you don't know, choose a different word. Like unicorn. For example: "Unicorn an idiot"; "I am going unicorn the mall with my unicorn best friends and unicorn boyfriends"; I am unicorn the coolest person I know", etc. And let me just make a plug for the poor word definitely. Not definately. Not defanatly. (my computer is so ticked I keep doing it the wrong way) AND DEFINITELY NOT DEFIANTLY. There is a very large gap between the meaning of: "I definitely love my mother" and "I defiantly love my mother".
#4- Talk About Your Relationship
And by "talk about your relationship", I mean posting about fighting on Facebook, posting about your most recent breakup, and/or posting thrice a day about how flipping amazing your boyfriend is. I'm sure he's awesome. But after about 50 posts, people stop saying "awe" when they read them and start deleting you as a friend. But I guess that wouldn't really matter because your boyfriend is awesome.
#3- Post Inappropriate Glimpses into Your Personal Life
And by "inappropriate
glimpses into your personal life" (and this is Kyle's personal favorite), I mean mostly ultrasounds. Now I can see where you would think this is cute. However, most of us are not interested in a picture inside your uterus. I can't think of anything that would be considered more personal. And on the subject of prego, if you want us all to see your cute baby bump, keep the skin under clothing. Unfortunately, midriff
is not any more flattering when you're fatter. Sorry ladies.
#2- #unnessecarilyhashtag
And by "#unnessecarilyhashtag", I mean that Facebook doesn't have a search hashtags mechanism. So don't hashtag. It is not necessary. Unless you're posting via a hashtagging site, or you're a funny hashtagger. #becausesometimeshashtagsarefrappinhilarious. But in most cases, they're not.
#1- Be a Person Who Should Not Be on Facebook
And by "a person who should not be on Facebook", I mean a person who can't post as yourself, take normal pictures, use semi-correct grammar, resist talking about your relationship, or use words. There's no shame in admitting you're any of these. Actually there is a hefty amount of shame in admitting you are any of these. But the true shame is when you broadcast it to the world through the social media we know and love as Facebook.
Love, Kj
